


On my way home

by orphan_account



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:24:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><img/><br/>Banner by stormy<br/>Since Jin had left for America, he hasn’t been quite sure what he had been missing… He had everything. He should be happy, right? But coming home to Tokyo after all this time, he was finally able to find it: <em>Him.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	On my way home

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my second Akame fic. I somehow seem to be attached to the same thematics when it comes to those two, so I'm sorry if this fic is not that much different from the other one... I tried to alter them, though ;)

_„We welcome you to our flight from Los Angeles to Tokyo. We’d like to inform you now about some important safety features…”_

I sighed, leaning back against the cushions of my seat, not listening anymore to what the stewardess was saying. It’s not like I didn’t know her speech by heart yet – though it admittedly had been a while since I had last flown back home.

I didn’t know if I was happy to be taking the journey or not. It was a necessity, of course – Johnny Kitagawa had called me into his office for important matters tomorrow, and as I was still undeniably linked with Johnny’s Entertainment, I had to follow his call.

It was just that every single time that my thoughts traveled to Japan, to my family and above all my friends, my stomach seemed to squeeze itself together painfully, showing me that no matter how hard I tried to suppress my bad conscience, it will still come out eventually.

Well, of course, this bad conscience didn’t apply to each one of my friends. More like one. Or five, but when I thought about that one person, the other 4 seemed to disappear in the background eventually.

I could deal with them being mad at me. It was harder with _him,_ though.

I crossed my arms in front of my chest, almost as if hugging myself close would keep the cold air of the air conditioner from affecting me. I wasn’t sure if it was only the fresh air, though, that made me feel cold.

Unwillingly, my thoughts traveled to the one person I tried half of my time to stop me from thinking about him: _Kame._

I wondered how he was doing, and if I would be meeting him while I was in Tokyo. The chance was always there, as soon as I entered the agency buildings. There was a part of me that wanted to see him, wanted to make sure that he was alright and act as if nothing happened, but I knew that was impossible, so I hoped I wouldn’t come across him.

Nothing would be like it had once been. Not after that fight we had had when Kame had found out that I was leaving KAT-TUN for good this time. Technically, I knew that it was my fault. I should have talked to him about it, told him about my plans myself – he would have listened if it had come from my own mouth. I _knew_ him, I knew he was no irrational character – I was the one that always did the things no one but me understood, not him.

It was just that I had been scared of telling him. For some reason, Kame’s opinion had always been more important to me than those of others. I had wanted to find the right moment to tell him – how was I supposed to know that our manager would be faster than me?

I still remembered the night as if it had been yesterday. Kame and I had agreed to meet up to watch some movie we had been waiting to be released on DVD for month, and I had come over to his place, not expecting a thing.

It had been when Kame opened the door, that I knew something was wrong. I could see it in his eyes  – even though Kame had always been good at putting on a façade in front of others, I had known him since our puberty. I knew him, and I could read him like an open book if required.

He had let me in without a word, and I had followed, not sure what to say. Of course, I had known that he knew. It was not hard to figure out – there wouldn’t have been anything else that would have ticked him off like this, or at least there was nothing I would have been aware of. But still, I had wanted to approach the subject carefully, to safe what I could.

So I had asked: “Kame, what’s wrong?”

Kame had chuckled bitterly, the way he did when he was mad. He had a tendency to become sarcastic at times like these.

“Congrats” he had just said, facing away from me, grabbing the beer that had been put out on the kitchen table, opening it.

“For what?” I had asked, still trying to play dumb.

“Don’t act as if you don’t know” Kame had spat, still not looking at me. “America. Nice.” He had taken a sip from the bottle, falling silent.

“How do you know?” I had murmured, feeling like a little kid in front of Kame’s anger. Though he was younger than me, he had always been the adult of the two of us. I was the forever immature.

“What, didn’t want us to find out?” he had prodded, fake amusement in his voice. “The management told us. They figured that we needed to know that our band would be lacking a person from now on. Why _we_ would need to know, beats me” he had added cynically.

I had run a hand through my hair in frustration, cursing myself silently. I could be such an idiot sometimes. How long had I expected to be able to keep it a secret?!

Longer than this, so much was for sure.

“I’m sorry” I had apologized. “I did want to tell you, I swear. I just couldn’t find the right moment, and-“

“Oh, come on!” Kame had shouted, finally turning to face me, now furious. All the bitter façade had disappeared, and his words had been as venomous as his eyes. “Just admit it; you couldn’t have cared less about us! You have always been egoistic like that! You and your fucking dreams have always been more important to you than your friends!”

“Now you’re being unfair!” I had defended myself, each and every word from his mouth hitting me like a brick. “You should know me better than that! I wanted to tell you, really, but – what did you expect me to do?! It’s the US, Kame! You know how much I always wanted to make it over there! I will be able to have a tour, with my own songs and everything! It’s too good to just let it pass!”

“Then GO!” Kame had yelled, not a trace of understanding on his face. “Go if you have to! We don’t need you! We made it without you before, and we will again! It’s not like everything revolves around you, Jin, contrary to what you might think!”

I had had to gulp at his words. It had hurt like hell to hear this from a person who I considered one of my best friends. The person which opinion had always mattered the most to me.

“Fuck you” I had murmured quietly, not able to return anything else.

“Fuck yourself!” Kame had yelled back, turning away from me again to take another sip of his beer. “What are you waiting for?!” he had shouted as soon as he had gulped it down. “Leave already! Don’t act as if we mattered to you! Go after your own dreams and be happy with them, damnit!”

I had not been able to return anything – I had only turned around and fled Kame’s flat, wanting nothing more than to get out of there.

It hadn’t been until I was out of the building that I had noticed that I was crying.

Even now, the memory of it made my throat feel painfully tight, and I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down as the airplane started to move. It had been the last time I had talked to Kame.

I should have probably called him, should have tried to apologize again, but the things he had said had just hurt too much to crawl back afterwards. I had my pride too, after all.

And it wasn’t like I was not happy in the US. I enjoyed not being tied down; to tour on my own, to sing my own songs, to just be _me_ , and not a toy of Johnny’s. As much as I had enjoyed my time with KAT-TUN, I had always wanted more. And I had thought Kame knew that – I had thought he understood me.

I still liked to think he would have, if I had just been the one to tell him, to explain things to him properly. Kame was a pig head, just like me, but in the end, when we had had disagreements, he had always been the one to give in.

Just this one time, he didn’t, and I could not deal with that. It still haunted me, months and months after.

I watched Los Angeles become smaller as the airplane rose, wondering how I would be able to return to a home where I didn’t know if my presence was appreciated. There was a reason why I had dodged all the pleads from my family to return once in a while. Yes, maybe I was running away – but it was the one thing I had always been good at, and it was hard to not do so when I had the chance.

However, I didn’t have a choice now, I figured as I closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep throughout the flight. I could only pray that I wouldn’t meet Kame accidentally.

I was still praying for that when I entered the agency the next day. I felt as nervous as I hadn’t felt for a long time, not even before my very first solo concert in the US. It was probably my own fault – I was getting way too worked up about all of this. Honestly, I probably shouldn’t care if I met Kame, or anyone else while I was here. He probably couldn’t care less if I was in town or not, either.

So why couldn’t I just let go of all of this?

I was lucky, though – I didn’t meet anyone I knew on my way to Johnny Kitagawa’s office. I knocked tentatively, not wanting to be rude and interrupt, but also not wanting to stand out here for too long and risk somebody walking in on me.

To my relief, Johnny-San called me inside immediately, and I opened the door quickly to slip inside, looking up at the old man behind the desk. He smiled up at me all fatherly.

“Akanishi-Kun!” he chuckled, gesturing for me to sit down opposite of him, and I did. “It’s been too long.”

I only smiled nervously. No matter how old I was, being in Johnny-San’s office always gave me chills. I always expected to be in trouble when I was called here, though I couldn’t possibly figure out if I had done anything while being overseas.

“I heard from your manager that your Yellow Gold Tour was a success in the states” Johnny-San continued, still that friendly smile on his face. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you, Sir” I answered, inclining my head slightly to be polite.

“Well” Johnny-San sighed before leaning back into his chair, seeming slightly troubled. “It seems like you are happy with your life in America, right?” I only nodded, not quite sure what he was getting at. “I have to admit, I had my doubts when you first went, but you seem to be doing quite well. I mean, a Hollywood movie… Who would have thought?” he continued.

Again, I only nodded, not really sure what he wanted me to say.

“You know, originally, I expected you to return as soon as you finished your tour… But it seems like you found a home in America” Johnny-San continued, his voice resigned. “And I thought I had to be fair and have a serious talk about your future with us, Akanishi-Kun.”

“What do you mean by that?” I asked, confused.

“I just wondered if it may not be better for your career to leave my agency for good” he finally said, making me gape at him in shock. “I mean, you climbed a whole new stage of your career overseas. I don’t want your past to tie you down. As much as it pains me to lose someone like you, I’m having your best interest at heart.”

I wasn’t able to answer. Seriously? I had never thought of leaving JE for good. True, I had not thought a lot about the future, I needed to admit that – not in the long run at least. I didn’t know where I pictured me in 5 years, if in Japan or in the US or somewhere else. I had just gone with the flow until now. But leaving Johnny’s Entertainment for good… Didn’t it seem to radical a step to make?

“You don’t need to decide now” Johnny-San said with a smile, as if he could sense my inner turmoil. “I just wanted to speak to you about it. Sometimes you need to let some things go to be able to move on.”

His words stung, in more than one way. I had never been good at letting go, and I was not sure if I was ready to give up everything.

Johnny-San got up from his chair, and I stood as well, automatically adjusting to him. He reached out his hand to me, shaking it.

“Call me again when you have come to a decision” he said, smiling his fatherly signature smile. “In the meanwhile, do your best in the US.”

“I will, Sir” I answered, not being able to return anything else. For now, I just wanted to get out of this office to be able to freak out properly. “Thank you for everything.”

He waved my thanks of, sitting down again in his chair and signaling me that I was free to go. I bowed to him before I excused myself, leaving the office.

When the door had closed behind me, I leaned against it in shock, staring ahead without seeing anything in front of me.

Had he really just told me to leave Johnny’s?! I still couldn’t quite believe what I had just heard.

I took a moment to seriously consider the possibility. If I really took that step, it would be really over, for good this time. I’d be free to do what I wanted. That was positive, wasn’t it?

And I was happy with my life in the US. I was following my dreams, and I had everything I ever wanted.

So why was I suddenly gripped by this weird nostalgia?

It probably shouldn’t surprise me. After all, I had grown up as a Johnny. So many of my friends were part of this agency, and it was a part of me somehow, some kind of home. It had been my choice to leave it behind, true, but that still didn’t mean that it didn’t mean anything to me.

I had a lot of memories here. Great memories, of the time when my career had started, of my time… as a part of KAT-TUN.

I gulped, forcing myself to move away from Johnny-San’s office and making my way towards the parking lot. It was a stupid thought, but it was only now that I realized what kind of distance I had put between my former band and myself. I would never be a part of KAT-TUN again, no matter if I decided to leave the agency or not. We had different career paths, no matter how you looked at it. It was stupid – it was not like I had not known what I was getting myself into. I had given all of this up willingly, and it had been worth it. I was _happy_ with my life, wasn’t I?!

So what was it that I was missing?!

I didn’t pass anyone as I walked down the corridors, and I wasn’t sure if I would have noticed either, as deep in thoughts as I was. It wasn’t until I finally reached the parking lot that I froze where I was, staring.

It was Kame. He was leaning against his car, not far from where I was standing, smoking.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had already stepped back behind the wall, hiding from his sight. Panic was flooding through me, and my heart knocked painfully against my ribcage.

What was I doing?! I didn’t have a reason to hide from Kame, did I?! This was pathetic!

Still, I couldn’t convince myself to just move out of my hiding spot and face him. Instead, I peaked around the corner, observing the familiar figure in front of me.

It was underestimated to say that I was surprised. Kame looked different from how I remembered him. First, I couldn’t recall the last time I had seen him smoke. Sure, for filming jobs now and then, and when we were younger, we used to smoke together now and then, but that had been ages ago. I had probably been a bad influence back then, being the older one and all. But Kame had never been as much of a smoker as I was. Therefore, it quite threw me off to see him smoking now.

The other thing was his appearance. He seemed pale, and had dark circles under his eyes, a sure sign of a lack of sleep. Also, he seemed thinner, but maybe that was just my imagination. Kame had always been thin, after all.

However, one thing was for sure – he did not seem healthy. A deep buried feeling that I had always associated with Kame awakened again at his sight, making me feel all sick and helpless.

 _Worry._ I was worried about him. Truthfully, Kame had never known how to take care of himself – he had always managed to make himself fall off the stage, appear to work with serious illnesses, overworking himself till his body dared to collapse – it was typical for him. And now he seemed to be right at it again.

My frantic thoughts were interrupted by someone entering the parking lot from another door. I held my breath, trying to get a glimpse of who it was. Kame looked up, giving the other person a tired smile before pulling at his cigarette again.

“Smoking again, I see” the other person sighed. I recognized the voice as Nakamaru Yuichi.

Kame didn’t answer, and Nakamaru finally reached my field of view, standing next to Kame, watching him with a frown on his forehead.

“When did you start to smoke that much, by the way?” he asked, sounding reproachful. “You didn’t use to.”

Kame shrugged, again not answering. I could tell just by watching that he was uncomfortable with this subject. Well, he had always been uncomfortable when people worried about him. I knew that from own experience.

“So, are you going home after this?” Nakamaru asked, changing the subject when he noticed that Kame wouldn’t participate in the talk.

“No, I’m having my radio show tonight” he answered.

Nakamaru sighed, shaking his head.

“You’re definitely working too much” he scolded, focusing Kame, who was not looking at him once more. “When was the last time you rested? Or maybe the last time you ate?! Because all I see you doing recently is drink coffee and smoke.”

“Enough, Yuichi” Kame sighed, rolling his eyes. “It’s nice that you’re worrying about me-“

“We’re _all_ worried about you, Kame!” Nakamaru interrupted him. “Since Akanishi left, you’re totally overworking yourself. We didn’t say anything until now, thinking that maybe it will pass, but-“

“This has got nothing to do with Akanishi, okay?!” Kame hissed, obviously annoyed. “I’m fine, I’ve always worked a lot!”

“True, but you’ve never worked _that_ much” Nakamaru protested. “You’ve always had a life besides work somehow. Now, it seems like you don’t.”

“I can watch out for myself, okay?” Kame groaned.

“Listen, Kazuya” Nakamaru tried again, this time a little more gently. “If there’s anything wrong, you can talk to us, ok? If this is all too much for you, we’ll work something out!”

Kame sighed again, looking up at his band mate at last.

“I promise I’m gonna talk to you if something’s wrong, okay?” he answered. “But I’m fine. You’re worrying too much.”

Nakamaru sighed, seeming resigned.

“Fine” he finally answered. “Take care, I’m calling it a day.”

“Sure” Kame nodded, smiling and pulling once more at his cigarette. Nakamaru shook his head at him, which Kame didn’t catch, and left for his car. Kame looked after him as he sped away, seeming thoughtful.

I stayed where I was, totally caught up in spying on him from my hiding point. It should have weirded me out, stalking my former band mates, but somehow, it didn’t. Not when my fears and worries at his sight had just been confirmed by Nakamaru.

I wondered what was wrong with Kame, and if it really had anything to do with my leaving. I had let myself believe all these months that Kame didn’t care for me anymore, but now, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

For a moment, I wondered if I should just approach him, but threw the though away again quickly. He seemed in a bad mood as it was, and after our last fight, he would probably only yell at me if I tried to talk to him.

On the other hand, I couldn’t hide here forever. Who knows how long Kame wanted to linger here, or when he had to get to his next job. For all I knew, I could be hiding here for hours, or anyone could walk in any moment and find me in this awkward position. How would I be able to explain that?!

I took a deep breath, checking my surroundings. My car was parked on the other side of the parking lot – with some luck I could sneak to it through the other cars without Kame noticing me.

I threw another look at Kame, seeing that he was studying his shoes.

Now or never.

Quickly, I jumped out of my hiding place, trying to get behind the next best car as fast as possible – too fast, unfortunately. Before I knew it, I stumbled, making contact with the hard floor, and of course, a lot of noise.

Kame looked up with a frown, his eyebrows rising in surprise when he recognized me. I bit my lip in embarrassment. Damn my clumsiness – why did it always have to turn up in the most important moments?!

I got to my feet slowly, but looked at my hands instead of Kame, freeing them of the dirt.

“Hey” I said hesitantly.

Kame let out a mixture between a huff and a chuckle, drawing at his cigarette again.

“Hey” he mimicked me, his tone as bitter as I remembered it from the last time we had talked. _“Okaerinasai”_ he added, his voice sarcastic.

I didn’t answer. I hated when he became like this.

Kame sighed, throwing his cigarette to the floor, stepping on it to put it out. He turned around and fumbled with the keys of his car, opening it.

Before I knew it, I was calling his name.

“Kame! Can’t we talk?!” I asked, somehow desperate.

Kame rolled his eyes, not looking at me.

“I’ve got work to get to” he excused himself.

“After work?” I prodded, knowing what the answer would be.

Kame groaned, glaring at me.

“Akanishi” he started. “You could have talked to me a year ago, but you didn’t. Now it’s too late. Now, if you excuse me-“

“Kame” I murmured, but he had already gotten into his car, closing the door behind him. I could only watch as he started the engine and sped away without as much as a look towards me.

I felt like crawling into a corner and not move until he returned, but of course, I knew he wouldn’t.

I could barely sleep that night. I mean, it was no news that Kame was mad at me, but somehow, seeing him again, and having him act this way towards me tore open again all those wounds that I had been trying to ignore in the last few months.

I still cared, no matter if I wanted to or not. And because I cared, it still hurt, of course.

Nevertheless, there was another thing that was keeping me awake. It was Kame’s tired features, his pale skin… He had looked positively ill.

I mean, what was he doing to himself?! Couldn’t he watch out for his health only once?! And it seemed like I wasn’t the only one who had noticed, after what I’d heard from Yuichi… One of these days, he was going to break down, and that was it, I thought, with a pang of fear.

I hated this. I hated not to be able to talk to Kame, to watch out for him… to just have him around. I missed him, no matter how hard I tried to suppress it. He had always been special to me – I couldn’t quite place it: My relationship to him had always been different than for example to Yamapi, who I used to call my best friend. It was not like I thought Kame was a better friend than Pi, or the other way around – it was just different. My relationship to Kame had always been intense, like a rollercoaster – there were times when we were practically glued to each other, and then, when we were fighting, we practically chopped each other’s heads of. No matter in which perspective, it had always been intense. With Pi, things were more steady; no ups, no downs, just a constantly good friendship and a mutual trust.

I sighed, turning around and throwing a look at my clock – 5:32h. Awesome. If only I could blame my lack of sleep on a jet lack, but that was too big of a lie even for own conscience.

I had to talk to him once more, I decided. I needed to sort this out, or I would go crazy.

So I found myself driving to the agency again after breakfast. I had figured that if I could get hold of Kame anywhere, it would be there – he would surely not pick up the phone if I called him, and I doubted that he would be at home, knowing him.

It turned out that I had been right – at arriving at the agency, I had asked the receptionist if KAT-TUN was in the house, and she told me that they were rehearsing their new single. So I nervously walked down the corridors to the dance studio they were in, trying to figure out something to say. After all, now I had to not only face Kame, but also the rest of KAT-TUN. And I could not imagine that they were on better terms with me than Kame.

The door to the dance studio was open when I arrived, and I hesitantly peaked inside, taking in the atmosphere in front of me.

It felt like a journey into my past – I could see Koki and Ueda fooling around, Taguchi throwing in something, but being ignored by the others. I almost had had to smile at the picture, if my eyes hadn’t fallen on Kame this very moment. He was standing in the middle of the guys, but wasn’t really participating in the interactions – instead, I saw him rub his closed eyes before starring off into space, seeming as tired and ill as I had never seen him before.

The thought pressed down onto my heart, making it hard to breathe. Damn it, I hated how Kame’s condition affected me. I would have loved to just grab him and push him into bed, or knock him out so he does get some sleep at last, but I knew I would have been looked at like a lunatic if I did that, so I stayed where I was, just watching my former band mates for now.

It was then that their choreograph demanded their attention again, wanting to continue rehearsing. I watched as they returned to their positions, listening to the choreographer’s instructions before they started to copy his movements.

My eyes were glued to Kame. He didn’t seem himself, not even while dancing. I noticed that he was breathing hard, and his movements were sloppy and weak. I crossed my arms, frowning as I leaned against the doorway, watching him. It was then that he messed up his steps, stopping the choreography to rub his hands over his closed eyes again, as if trying to regain focus.

“Kamenashi-San!” the choreographer said with a reproachful voice, turning to him. “What is it with you today?!”

“I’m sorry” Kame breathed, still seeming out of breath, and not looking up.

“It’s not the first time that this has happened today, though” the choreographer continued, not taking notice of Kame’s state like I did. “What are you-“

But he didn’t come farther than this, because to my great shock, Kame’s knees gave away in this very moment, and he tumbled to the floor, unconscious.

My brain failed to work from then on. Before I knew it, I was running towards Kame, calling his name frantically. The others didn’t notice at first, though – everyone had collected around Kame, shaking him, calling him with as much worry in their voice as in mine. I fell down on my knees next to Taguchi, who was sitting near Kame’s head. Nakamaru was feeling his forehead, calling: “Someone call an ambulance!”

Ueda was the one to react to his order, running to get his cell phone.

“I told you this would happen someday!” Koki hissed, watching Kame in horror. “He doesn’t know when to stop, you know! I’ll kill him when he’s awake again!”

I was reaching out for Kame without thinking, stroking the hair out of his face, caressing his cheek. His skin was burning up. Did he have a fever?

It was then that Taguchi frowned, turning to me, his eyes widening as he recognized me.

“AKANISHI?!”

Everyone looked up at the sound of my name, freezing in their moves. Even Ueda stood motionless, phone still in head, staring at me as if he was seeing a ghost. It would have been funny, really, of the situation hadn’t been like this.

“What the HECK do you think you are doing here?!” Koki hissed, the sparkle in his eyes giving me the impression that, if Kame weren’t lying unconscious between us, he’d have strangled me.

“I – I came to see you, but when I arrived, Kame was just breaking down, and-“ I babbled, not sure what I was even saying, and not really caring about it right now. Kame was all that mattered now, and not the explanations for my presence in their dance studio.

“The ambulance is on their way!” Ueda interrupted, returning to cower next to Koki. “Maybe we should move him from the floor, he will get cold!” he suggested.

“You are right” I murmured, moving to lift Kame up, but Koki pushed me away forcefully, making me stumble backwards.

“Don’t you dare touch him!” Koki glared at me, taking matters in his own hands. I gulped, watching him and Ueda lift Kame up to lay him down on a bench on the other side of the room, covering him with a jacket to keep him from getting cold.

I stood in their middle, desperate to help, but unsure of what to do. Nakamaru had wetted a towel to cool his forehead, and Taguchi was bending Kame’s knees little, trying to stabilize him.

I sighed in relief when the ambulance arrived, taking Kame with them. The others hurried to drive after the ambulance, following Kame into the hospital, and even though they pointedly ignored me, I drove after them by myself. It was a miracle in itself that I had no accident on the way – as shaky as I was from shock and worry, I could have probably driven myself to death.

But I didn’t, so I hurried to follow the others into the hospital – first to the reception, to ask where Kame had been taken, and then to the medical department she directed us to. When we arrived, a nurse came out of the room, and Taguchi was the first to attack her with questions about Kame’s wellbeing.

“Kamenashi-San is still being examined right now” she explained. “For now, it looks like he suffers from malnutrition, dehydration and exhaustion. We will inform you when we know more” She excused herself and left us alone with our panic.

I let myself fall into a chair at the wall, running my hands through my hair in desperation. I couldn’t think straight, knowing that there was something wrong with Kame. It seemed like my whole being had lost its balance too as I had watched Kame fall.

This idiot. Why couldn’t he watch out for himself?!

The others had fallen silent as well – Taguchi and Nakamaru had occupied the other spare chairs, Koki was leaning against a wall, staring into space, and Ueda was pacing, restless.

“We should have sat down and talked to him” Taguchi murmured after a while, as serious as I hadn’t seen him in quite some time.

“I DID talk to him” Nakamaru informed him. “Only last night, but he waved my worries off!”

“He is stubborn” Ueda nodded. “He isn’t the type to admit when something’s wrong.”

“Still, you should have forced him to rest” I murmured, not really aware of what I was saying. “It worked with me when we were younger, so-“

“Well, if you have _so much influence_ on Kame and are _so smart_ , maybe you should have just stayed to watch over him!” Koki called, outraged.

“Koki, now is not the time” Taguchi sighed, but Ueda snapped at him: “Oh, shut up, what he says is true!”

“I-“ I wasn’t even sure what I was about to say, but it didn’t matter anyways, because Koki was interrupting me again.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking, turning up here and acting like your Kame’s _best friend_ and know everything!” he yelled. “You were the one who left the band _without even telling us about it_ , and you did not apologize to us _once_ – you just disappeared to never be heard of again! And _you_ want to tell _us_ what to do?!”

I wasn’t able to return anything to his reproaches. First, a part of me knew that he was right – even if I had had my reasons, I had done everything he was accusing me of, no way to deny it. The other thing was that I started shaking so violently at his words that I felt like breaking down any moment myself.

“You know what, when you ask me, you even are the one to blame for Kame’s condition!” Koki continued, his voice becoming louder with every word, if possible. “Because Kame, as the leader of KAT-TUN, has to work double since you left! I know he would have sacrificed everything for the band, and he never complained – and you just LEFT, and you didn’t even care how he or we felt about it!”

“You can’t give him all the blame for this, Koki” Nakamaru tried to reason half-heartedly. “Part of it, surely – I’ll never forget Kame’s face the moment the management announced that you would leave us. It surely hit him hard.”

“Of course it hit him hard!” Koki yelled. “He trusted him, like we all did! Only that Kame was closest to him! And you DIDN’T EVEN TELL HIM!”

“I – I did want to tell you-“ I tried to explain, my voice cracking, but no one listened to me anymore – Koki huffed and looked away from me pointedly, Ueda was shaking his head at me furiously, Taguchi was staring off into space, and Nakamaru glared at me.

“Maybe it’s better if you go now” he said, his voice sounding dangerous. “The least Kame needs when he wakes up is the stress from seeing you.”

Their collected rejection brought tears to my eyes. I nodded shakily, not being able to speak, and got up to walk down the corridor, away from them, not sure where to.

I heard Taguchi calling my name weakly, but I was already around a corner, just wanting to get away. When I was sure I was far enough for them not to hear me, I sank down in a chair, and started to cry.

I was sobbing violently, my whole body shaking, when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and someone sitting down next to me.

“Hey” I recognized Taguchi’s voice, sounding tired as he patted my shoulder. “Calm down, ok?”

I only shook my head, not being able to. I felt worse than scum in this very moment – I hadn’t even realized what kind of things I had done until Koki had told me. I mean, I had been aware that I had been to blame for the fight with Kame, but somehow, I hadn’t grasped how bad things had really been.

“I am an ass” I whimpered, burying my head in my hands.

“No” Taguchi sighed, trying to comfort me. “Well, maybe a little, but I know you don’t mean it like that. Sometimes… You just don’t think.”

“I never think” I sobbed. “And when I do, I come up with the wrong thing.”

“Well… yeah” Taguchi agreed, obviously wanting to be funny in adding: “Maybe you should search someone to think for you. Like in “Hitch – The Date Doctor” or something.”

Of course, I didn’t laugh. So he stayed silent until I spoke up again.

“Do you think he will ever forgive me?” I whispered. “Kame, I mean. And the others, too.”

“I don’t know” Taguchi murmured, contemplating. “Kame is stubborn, but on the other hand… He _is_ forgiving. Most of the time, he overlooks things. So I think, if you really apologize… Maybe he will. You were always important to him, after all, no matter what he might say now. About the others… I don’t think they will forgive you until Kame does, and even then they might have problems… You know how Koki can be sometimes… I mean, you just heard him.”

“I hate this” I sobbed. “I never wanted for it to come that far. I just… I wanted to find the right moment to tell you, and then the management was faster than me, and then Kame was shouting at me, saying things that really hurt, and I… didn’t know how to deal with it.” It was good to finally get this off my chest – to have someone listening to me without insulting me. “It’s just, I finally had this chance to make all my dreams come true, and I didn’t want to let it pass.”

“I don’t think Kame is mad because you left” Taguchi frowned. “I think, under other circumstances, he would have supported you. I mean, I know for a fact that he bought your Yellow Gold DVD” he shrugged, and I looked up at him in confusion.

“He did?”

“He did” Taguchi nodded. “He would not admit it, but I saw it in his flat, buried under other DVD’s. I guess he was curious.” I was silent, surprised at this piece of news, and Taguchi went on: “I think he is only mad because you didn’t tell him directly. He feels betrayed, I think, or like he wasn’t important enough for you to tell him personally… Something like that.”

“That’s not true” I murmured. “I was scared to tell him. I was scared of disappointing him.”

“Well, you did a great job” Another voice spoke up, making me look up.

Nakamaru approached us, looking as tired as Taguchi.

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier” he sighed, sitting down on the other side of me. “I guess we are all a little testy, considering the situation.”

“No, you were right” I murmured, wiping at my face to get rid of the tear strains, but new ones replaced the ones that disappeared.

“Maybe part of it” he shrugged, not looking at me. “It’s just – I don’t understand what you’re doing here. I thought you were through with us.”

“ I was never _through with you_ ” I frowned at his words. “Nor will I ever be. KAT-TUN will always be part of me.”

“But still, you left” he reminded me quietly.

“Not because I didn’t like to be a part of the band” I protested. “It’s just… I wanted more. I had other dreams, and America was my chance.” Nakamaru didn’t answer to that, so I continued. “I never meant to hurt you guys, or leave you behind.  I wanted to tell you, really, get your support… I just didn’t know how. And then you were told by someone else, and Kame was shouting at me, not even listening to anything I had to say… And I just wanted to get away.”

“He didn’t tell us that” Nakamaru frowned, seeming surprised. “That he met you after the news, I mean. Maybe we should have guessed, but… to us, it seemed like you just disappeared, without an explanation or a goodbye. How were we supposed to react to that?!”

“I’m sorry” I murmured. “I was just… overstrained with Kame being mad at me. I didn’t want to face it. So I just pushed it away and left.”

“Well, you surely didn’t help the situation with that” Nakamaru commented. “Kame didn’t take it well – he never showed it, but we know. He would tense up every time your name was mentioned, and after a while, we stopped speaking of you in his presence. He threw himself into work like never before, and that’s where he’s been stuck since you left. It was scary, really. We didn’t know what to do with him.”

“I’m sorry” I repeated again, hating myself even more after his words. There I had been, thinking that Kame didn’t care about me anymore and making excuses for not calling him… not knowing that it had hit him like this.

“I think I’m the wrong person to say that to” he shrugged, giving me a tired smile. “You should tell that to Kame.”

“Does that mean you’ll let me see him?” I asked, surprised and hopeful at the same time. It somehow felt like Nakamaru was the father who had grounded his daughter, not allowing me to see her because I was a bad influence. As absurd as this image was, it felt more real than anything I had felt in quite some time.

Nakamaru exchanged glances with Taguchi, frowning.

“It’s not like I can keep you from seeing him” he pointed out. “But… I’d be thankful if you waited for a few days, until he recovers. I mean, I expect him to freak out when he sees you, and that’s not beneficial for his condition right now.”

“He already knows I’m in Tokyo, though” I murmured, making Taguchi and Nakamaru stare at me in surprise. “I met him last night, in the parking lot” I added as an explanation. “He didn’t talk to me, though.”

“Well, now we have our explanation for the break down” Taguchi murmured.

“Don’t you  see why it’s better to keep your distance for a few days, Jin?!” Nakamaru sighed. “I mean, he collapsed a day after meeting you! That’s got to mean something, right?!”

I gulped, nodding at their words. I hated to not be able to see Kame when he was in a state like this, not knowing if he was okay, not being able to be there for him… However, I knew Nakamaru was right. It would probably be better for Kame to wait.

Maybe this was my kind of punishment. And god knew I deserved it.

So I left, with Nakamaru and Taguchi promising me that they would inform me if Kame felt better. Which resulted in me practically carrying the phone with me everywhere I went, waiting for a call.

I went to my parents’ house this night, thinking that maybe, if I wasn’t alone, I would not be worrying that much about Kame.

I was dead wrong. Of course, I was not able to forget about him. Damn, I had not been able to forget him for a whole year, how would I be able to do so now, after he broke out in front of me, knowing that it was mostly my fault.

Of course, my family did not miss my condition, and my mother sat down with me after dinner, asking me what had happened, and trying to comfort me. She tried to tell me that it was not my fault, that Kame probably had other problems as well, and that things would work out somehow – but she was my mother, after all. She was required to say things like that, to shield me from the blame and try to make me feel better. I appreciated it, but there was nothing that could have made me feel better today.

The next day was no better. Again, I had barely slept the night, and was doing nothing but moping around in my parents’ house with the phone in my hand. I had never thought I could become this useless. Usually, I would be the first one to call friends, go out, have fun – doing anything but staying at home, boring myself to death. Now, it was different, though. Maybe this was what people called depressions?

I just wanted to know if Kame was alright. Why hadn’t Nakamaru and Taguchi called me yet? They had promised! It left me anxious… Had Kame still not woken up?!

When the phone finally rang, I almost let it drop. I quickly answered it, not even checking the Caller ID.

“Yes?!” I asked, desperate for the news that I hoped I would be getting now.

“Hey, it’s me” the other person said. My mind somehow registered that I knew the voice, but I couldn’t I place it in this very moment, for all I really understood was: Not Nakamaru. Not Taguchi. And surely not Kame.

So I asked: “Um… who?”

The other voice chuckled at my question.

“Well, I expected you to be out of it after what I heard, but still… Hi, here is Yamashita Tomohisa, your best friend. Do you still remember me?”

I groaned, massaging my forehead, trying to suppress the disappointment I should certainly not feel at talking to him.

“Hey, sorry, I’m…”

“I know” Pi sighed. “I heard about yesterday. Your little meet up with KAT-TUN and Kame’s break down are all over the agency.”

“Really?” I asked, not surprised.

“Sure. You remember how fast news travel between Johnnys” he continued, and I could almost hear the shrug of his shoulders in his voice. “Are you alright?” he asked, his voice gentle.

“Yes. No. I don’t know” I murmured, massaging my temples, trying to get rid of that damn headache that had been accompanying me since last night. “Ask me an easier question, okay?”

“Actually, I didn’t call to ask questions” Pi returned, his voice serious. “I called to tell you something. By what I’ve heard, Kame is out of the hospital again.”

At those words, I sat up straight, suddenly wide-awake.

“WHAT?!” I asked, torn between shock, relief, and the need to kill Nakamaru and Taguchi for not telling me immediately.

“Apparently, he was left out this morning, with an order from Johnny-San to stay home for a week in the least” Pi explained. “Kame is at home now. The guys from KAT-TUN have been down his neck all day, wanting to watch out for him, or convince him to go home to his family, but he refused and sent them to work, telling them if they don’t continue rehearsals in his absence, he’s gonna cut his holidays short and haunt them down.”

“Sounds like Kame” I murmured, slightly amused for a moment.

“Definitely” Pi agreed. “He’s never been good at letting people take care of him. Maybe it’s because of his big family?”

“Maybe” I nodded, falling silent again.

“So, what are you waiting for?” Pi asked, some kind of dare apparent in his voice. “Go and see him. I know you want to.”

“It’s not that easy” I murmured, slumping down to lean on the desk, staring into space.

“It is. You’re just making it complicated” Pi protested. “Go see him, apologize to him, and finally end this stupid fight of yours. I hate to be always walking on eggshells when I meet Kame, not daring to even mention your name. It’s getting on my nerves. Get it together, both of you!”

“The others told me to stay away from him” I blurted out without thinking.

“Who?!” he scoffed.

“KAT-TUN, of course. Nakamaru, Koki…”

“And since when have you ever listened to what others say?!” he mocked me. “Damn, Jin, get yourself together at last! I know that you’re sorry for what happened, and that you miss him. I’ve not been your best friend all this time for nothing, you know.”

“But… I don’t want to stress Kame even more” I murmured. “He just broke down, and…”

“Don’t you think making up with a friend is stress release?!” Pi prompted. When I didn’t answer, he continued. “Listen to me, Jin. I never quite understood what it is between you and Kame. You’ve always been special, in your own way. It’s hard to explain… Sometimes, you are like the complete opposites, just living to freak each other out. And then, you are so alike again in some aspect, that one could mistake you for twins. I don’t get it, to be honest, but fact is that you two belong together, somehow. It’s not right when you’re not talking. It feels like something is missing, in both of you. And now I want you to get your ass off the couch and make it right again.”

“Since when are you so deep?” I murmured, pouting.

“I always have been, idiot” he chuckled. “Have you even listened to what I told you?! Go already!”

“Okay, okay, I get it” I gave in, taking a deep breath. “And what am I supposed to say?”

“You’ve got to figure that out yourself, Jin” Pi scoffed. “I’m not your lawyer.”

“Not even my Date Doctor?” I asked weakly.

“What?!” Pi scoffed, confused.

“Forget it. Taguchi.” I answered, as if that would suffice as explanation. And apparently, it did, because Pi didn’t ask further.

“Well, good luck” he said, trying to encourage me.

“Thanks” I sighed. “I’ll need it.”

If I hadn’t known that Pi would kick my ass if I backed out, I didn’t know if I would have made it over to Kame’s apartment. I was nervous like hell as I sat in my car, parked in front of the house, not daring to step out.

All this time, I had been wishing for a chance to speak to Kame, to see him… Now, I suddenly  wasn’t so sure if I wanted to anymore.

I mean, of course I wanted to – more than anything else – but I was afraid of his reaction. He had made very clear that he didn’t want to see me, right? Why should he have changed his mind now?!

I closed my eyes, seeing Kame in front of my eyes: The way I remembered his smile from when we were still talking, the way he had always been there for me when I had needed him most… I wanted that again. No, I needed it again.

The images against my closed eyelids changed – the bitterness in Kame’s eyes, his tired, pale features, the way he had lain on the floor, immobile, unconscious…

I opened my eyes again, this time determined. I _needed_ Kame in my life, and I would fight for it. And maybe – just maybe – he still needed me too.

With this thought, I finally managed to open the car door, and lifted myself up, making my way upstairs to Kame’s flat.

It took some courage, but I finally managed to raise my fist, knocking at Kame’s door. I felt like my heart was jumping out of my ribcage. This was not normal, was it? Were you supposed to feel like this in anticipation of meeting a friend?

I held my breath, waiting for an answer from inside the apartment. It was silent at first. Then I heard footsteps, slowly approaching the door. I bit my lip as I heard him turning the doorknob, and then the door opened, and Kame stood in front of me.

He looked better than yesterday, I noticed with some relief. His skin was still pale, but he had a tiny trace of color on his cheeks, and I liked it. Plus, the dark shadows under his eyes were mostly gone, reduced to little remembrances.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise when he recognized me, before his forehead crumbled into a frown.

“What are _you_ doing here?” he asked, seeming annoyed. “Oh, let me guess, visiting the sick?! Let me free you, you have no obligation to be here. You can leave again.”

He looked at me expectantly, but of course, I didn’t move.

“I’m not here because you broke down, Kame” I said quietly, forcing myself to meet the hard look in his eyes. I had to be strong for once, at least. “I’ve been in the agency to see you even before you broke down. I was there when it happened. I was in the hospital afterwards.”

I could see the surprise in Kame’s eyes at my words, but his face was still guarded, keen not to let through any trace of emotion. Well, unfortunately, that didn’t work with me. I knew him too well.

“Nakamaru and everyone told me to leave you alone” I admitted. “But I couldn’t stand it. I needed to see you.”

Kame didn’t answer – he only looked down, not meeting my eyes. He could act as if nothing could touch him as much as he wanted, but it were times like these that I could see right through him. It did matter to him that I was here, in front of him, worrying about him, and knowing this gave me the courage to talk on.

“Kame, can we please talk?” I continued, my eyes pleading. “I mean, really talk?”

Kame sighed, before stepping aside to let me in. I felt like I had already managed a small victory. I knew that the fight would only be beginning now, but at least, there _would be a fight._ He cared enough to discuss this with me, and this was what was giving me the chance I needed.

I passed Kame to enter his flat, and he closed the door behind me as I kicked my shoes off. Afterwards, we silently made our way to Kame’s kitchen, where he leaned against the counter before facing me.

“So, you wanted to talk” he said quietly, shrugging. “Talk.”

I nodded, taking a deep breath before I started.

“I’m sorry” I said, looking into his eyes to show him that I meant it. “I’m sorry for everything that happened in the past year. For leaving the way I did, without telling you. For leaving you alone with all of this, and not asking once for your opinion, or how you were feeling about all of this. I’m sorry.”

Kame didn’t answer – he only focused a point on the floor next to my feet, letting me talk on.

“You may not believe me” I chuckled slightly, my voice sad. “But I did want to tell you. I was just scared, you know? Your opinion was always important to me, and I didn’t want to disappoint you. So I kept on waiting for the right moment, until it was too late.”

“You’ve known it weeks beforehand, Jin” Kame shook his head, still not looking at me. “I asked the management about it. It was _weeks_. And you couldn’t have found 5 minutes to tell me?!”

“You know how I tend to find excuses” I reminded him. “You know me, and my desire to run away from everything.”

“Yeah, you’re good at that” he agreed, sighing.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Kame” I ensured him, wanting to make a step towards him, but afraid of being rejected by him. It was weird how strong my feelings were now that I was here. They were totally taking over my mind, not letting me think of anything but the need to make things right between us again. “Really!”

“But you did” Kame answered, his voice so low that I almost didn’t catch it.

“Kame…” I whispered.

“How would you have felt?” he spoke up, finally looking at me. The bitter façade was gone, and he seemed more like the Kame I knew again, with deep feelings behind those brown orbs. “How would you have felt if your best friend didn’t tell you that he was leaving your band, the country, even the continent?! If you had to hear it from a totally distant person, making you feel like you’re all distant too? Like you don’t matter at all?!”

“You matter, Kame!” I protested.

“I didn’t feel like it” he pointed out. “I mean, when you went overseas for the first time, you at least talked to me. I mean, did I ever do anything that made you think I would not support you?!”

“No” I murmured. “Of course you didn’t.”

“Then why?” he demanded.

“Because the first time, it was different” I explained. “I knew that I would be coming back eventually. This time, I knew that I wouldn’t.” Kame didn’t answer, so I continued. “And I know how much KAT-TUN means to you. I wasn’t sure how you’d react. I mean, KAT-TUN was always your dream – but not necessarily mine.”

“I know that!” Kame sighed. “I’ve always realized it. That’s why I would have supported you, if you had just told me beforehand…” he murmured, running his hand through his hair absentmindedly.

“Thanks” I murmured. “It means a lot to me.”

Kame avoided my eyes, but I felt a little ensured, taking a few steps towards him now. Slowly, so that he could have stopped me if he had wanted. But he didn’t, encouraging me to walk further, until I stood right in front of him.

“I’m sorry, Kame” I repeated, my voice desperate. “I’m really sorry, for everything. I know it was my fault. Can you please forget what I did, so that we can return to how we were?”

Kame sighed, looking up at me at last, looking torn.

“You’re not the only one to blame” he finally admitted. “I said some inappropriate things too. I was mad, and unfair.”

“It’s okay” I ensured him. “I know you didn’t mean them.”

Kame stayed silent, licking his lips nervously. A habit of his, as I remembered.

“Kame” I said, my voice small. “Is it okay if I hug you?”

That made Kame chuckle, smiling up at me for the first time in what seemed an eternity. The feeling went through me like fire through ice.

“I’d forgotten how clingy you can be” he teased.

I smiled back, closing the distance between us and pulling him against me, holding onto him.

Kame’s body was a lot skinnier than I remembered, but his scent was still the same, and I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it until I was that close to him again. It felt so good that my emotions overwhelmed me for a moment, pressing down on my chest, making it hard to breathe.

“I missed you” I whispered, not able to help myself.

“I missed you too, baka” Kame admitted, chuckling. “My life is way too boring without you.”

I smiled, biting my lip to keep my emotions in check, but not letting go of Kame. I had to control myself, really, this was not normal…

“Jin?” Kame asked, his voice turning from amused to worried. “Are you alright? You are shaking.”

“Sorry” I murmured against his shoulder, closing my eyes. “I’m just relieved…”

Kame hesitated for a moment, before pulling me closer, hugging me tightly until I calmed down. I was thankful for his actions.

When I finally let go of him, I was embarrassed about my sentimentality, remaining in an uncomfortable silence.

Kame was the one to speak up, breaking the ice.

“Do you want to drink anything?” he asked, smiling up at me. I smiled back, unable to help myself.

“I’d love to”

For the rest of the day, we made ourselves comfortable on Kame’s couch, just talking. It seemed like we tried to catch up on everything we had missed in the other’s life in this one afternoon – Kame told me about KAT-TUN and its new projects, I told him about America, my tour, the filming for my new movie…

I noticed that for the first time in an eternity, I felt complete again. I mean, I had always assumed that I’d been happy in L.A., but now, being with Kame again, I realized what I had been missing out on.

We talked for so long that the sun had set outside, the little lamp on Kame’s couch table being the only source of light in the room now. I was just talking about the filming in Budapest when I realized that Kame wasn’t responding to my stories anymore. I threw a look towards him, realizing that he had closed his eyes, dozing off against the couch cushion.

I smiled a little, just watching him for a moment. I had forgotten how peaceful he looked when he was asleep. Somehow, it made me feel content just watching him.

Without realizing what I was doing, I reached out my hand, tracing the lines of his face with my fingers – along his cheekbones, over his cheeks, his chin…

Kame stirred slightly in his sleep, slowly opening his eyes. I still couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. Nor my hands.

“Did I fall asleep?” Kame asked quietly, his voice thick with sleep, his eyes locked to mine.

“Don’t worry” I whispered, only now noticing how close we were. So close, indeed, that I felt his breath on my face.

We just looked at each other for a moment, and there was something in Kame’s eyes which drew me closer to him, like a silent call, which I followed without thinking.

And then my lips were on his. I wasn’t quite sure who had moved first – it could have been both of us, for all I knew and cared – fact was that I was kissing him, moving my lips gently against his, soft and sweet like I had never experienced a kiss before.

It took my breath away, and clouded my mind. I had never felt anything like this before, like totally losing control of myself, just throwing myself into the kiss without any conscience of consequences or anything alike.

I felt Kame’s hand on the back of my head, fingers knotting into my hair, pulling me closer to him, as if he was afraid I would escape. I opened my mouth slightly, letting my tongue travel over his bottom lip, tasting traces of the juice he had drunken before, mixed with an essence of something else, which I could only guess was purely him.

Kame responded to my move, opening his mouth, giving my tongue entrance –

\- when my phone suddenly began to ring. We broke apart, looking at each other unsurely, a little out of breath. I was not able to move, only staring at Kame, the realization of what we had just done slowly sinking in.

“Take it” Kame whispered, nodding to my cell phone, which was moving over the table from the vibrations.

I nodded, reaching for it, looking at the Caller ID. I frowned, my eyes narrowing in annoyance.

_Nakamaru Yuichi_

“He has to be kidding” I groaned. “He had hours and hours to call, and he decides on it _now_?!”

“Who?” Kame asked, looking at me curiously.

“Nakamaru” I answered just as the call went to voice mail. “He promised to call me about your condition.”

“Well, then, he is late” Kame agreed, chuckling. “Wait, how _did_ you know I was out of the hospital, if he didn’t tell you?” he added, frowning in thought.

“Pi” I shrugged, turning off my phone and putting it back on the table.

“And how did he know?” he murmured, before shaking his head at his own question. “Why am I even asking?! He seems to know everything about everyone, right?! It seems like he has connections to everyone, sometimes I wonder if he flirts with the staff to get the information…”

“Him? He doesn’t need to, they would tell him anything without any effort from his side” I smirked, before throwing a look back at Kame.

We fell silent as our eyes met, just staring at each other, no one daring to talk. It took a while until I could finally muster up the courage and whisper: “We just kissed, didn’t we?”

“Seems like it“ Kame answered, his undertone teasing at my obvious question, but it was covered by the uncertainty laced in his voice.

“I never kissed a guy before” I blurted out, unable to help myself, before adding: “Am I gay now?!”

At that, Kame burst out laughing, shaking his head incredulous. I bit my lip, embarrassed at myself.

“This conversation is absurd, isn’t it” I murmured, and Kame nodded before laughing once more, one hand held in front of his eyes in the process. I couldn’t help but join too, chuckling at my own stupidity.

Kame finally calmed down, grinning up at me again.

“So, do you really need me to determine your sexual orientation now? Because if yes, maybe I should read a book about psychology or something beforehand” Kame teased.

“Shut up” I chuckled. “Don’t act like this doesn’t confuse you in the least.”

“Well…” Kame murmured, hesitant. “I already figured that, maybe… I could be bi, or something.”

I gaped at him, shocked by this revelation.

“I mean, I never acted on it” he added quickly, his cheeks coloring slightly. “I just noticed that, sometimes… I found men attractive, too.”

“So you’ve fantasized about kissing guys before?!” I asked, trying to wrap my mind around it.

“At times…”he shrugged.

“Did you ever imagine kissing _me_?” I prodded, curious now. When Kame didn’t answer, just directing his eyes to his hands folded in his lap discreetly, and I gasped. “You did!”

“Not recently” he protested. “But when we were younger… I threw the thought away again, though. Wrote it off as something like a stupid experimental idea. Don’t grin like that” he scolded, frowning at the expression on my face. “Don’t act like I’ve been madly in love with you all these years! It were just fantasies, okay? You were older, you were becoming more attractive each day… I thought it was normal, maybe. _Stop grinning!_ ”

“Okay, okay” I chuckled, trying to control my facial features, but somehow, it was hard when I was feeling this giddy.

“Besides, you were the one kissing me just now” he huffed. “So stop focusing on me.”

We feel silent, and I tried to collect my thoughts, but it seemed hard, somehow.

“Should we write it off as a stupid experimental idea again?” I asked quietly, my heart hammering painfully against my chest.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted him to answer. I was scared of this new feeling that was rising inside of me. I mean, I had been aware that my relationship to Kame had always been strangely intense, but… did that mean I was in love with him?

When Kame didn’t answer immediately, I looked up at him again, our eyes meeting. And it was that moment that I realized that I only wanted to hear one answer, no matter how complicated it made things.

“Please say no” I whispered as Kame opened the mouth to return something. The look on his face turned gentle, and he leaned towards me once more, catching my lips with his.

I closed my eyes, giving in to the indescribably sensation. I felt like a teenager again, stealing the first few kisses from your first girlfriend, all insecure and nervous, the atmosphere gentle and sweet.

Only that Kame was no girl, and we were grown men.

I hesitantly wrapped my arms around Kame’s waist, pulling him closer. He let me, his own fingers stroking the back of my neck, making me shiver slightly. Kame caught my bottom lip between his, sucking slightly on it, running his tongue over it, and I felt the sensation all through my body, letting out a low moan.

I didn’t realize that the phone was ringing again until Kame pulled away with a groan, glaring at the offending object. This time, it was his cell, not mine.

“I swear, whoever it is-“ he cursed, reaching for it.

“Better take it” I chuckled at his face. “People will probably be worried about you if you don’t answer.”

Kame made a face, throwing a quick look at the door as if imagining someone bursting in to check if he was alright, and hurried to take the call.

“Yes?!” he answered, his voice slightly annoyed, and I had to suppress a chuckle at his obvious anger at whoever interrupted us. “Yuichi” he groaned, and I bit my lip hard to keep from laughing. “Yes, I’m just fine, okay?!”

I grinned, moving nearer to him over the couch, deciding to be mean by leaning down and kissing his neck softly. Kame breathed in deeply, closing his eyes to focus on whatever Nakamaru was saying.

“Yes, I promise I’m not lying unconscious somewhere in my flat” Kame answered impatiently as I licked my way over his skin. “Please inform the others about this too – I’m not in the mood for you calling every five minutes to check on me.” I nibbled at his Adams apple slightly, sucking on it, and Kame gulped. I felt the movements against my lips, grinning against his skin. “No, you’re not interrupting anything” Kame said, clearing his throat because his voice had slightly turned thin in answer to my ministrations. “I’m just tired, that’s why I’m moody. No need to worry, I’ll go to bed.”

I ran my tongue over his sensitive skin again, and Kame grabbed a fistful of my hair, pulling me away from his neck. I grinned up at him cheekily.

“Alright, talk to you some other time” Kame said to Nakamaru, seeming eager to hang up as soon as possible. “Yeah. Bye.” He finally ended the phone call, sighing in relief. “Did you have to do this?!” he snapped at me, his voice not as threatening as he would have liked it to be, I suspected.

“Come on, you enjoyed it” I chuckled, tilting my head a little as I smirked at him.

“I almost moaned into the phone call” he glared. “How would I have explained that to Yuichi?!”

“I would have loved to watch you trying” I returned in amusement, and Kame groaned, pushing me back against the couch cushions, attacking my lips fiercely.

It was my turn to moan when our tongues finally touched, Kame’s wrestling mine for dominance, and winning. I let him have his was with me for a moment, enjoying the attention, drawing Kame closer to me again to feel his closeness.

It was crazy how Kame’s touch affected me. If someone had told me that I had feelings like that buried down deep within me for Kame, I would have probably thrown the next best object in my reach at him. I would have never thought myself able to feel like this for a guy, no matter how close I was to him.

But it seemed I had to over think my principles when it came to Kame. Because there was no other explanation for why it felt so heavenly good to have his lips moving passionately against mine, his tongue caressing mine, his hands roaming my back… _Oh god…_

I moaned into the kiss, this time louder, feeling myself losing control. I wanted more, needed more, wanted to feel Kame’s skin on mine, wanted to touch him, to be touched by him…

In my hurry to reseize control, I pushed Kame backwards, wanting to crawl on top of him, freezing in my tracks though as I heard Kame hiss in pain – his head had made contact with the armrest of the couch in the process, and my eyes widened in shock.

“I’m sorry!” I said frantically, sitting up.

“It’s okay” Kame murmured, straightening up as well, rubbing the back of his head slightly. “But this couch is definitely not built for this…” Without another word, he grabbed for my wrist, standing up, meaning to pull me up as he did so.

I got the idea, getting to my feet as well, in time to catch Kame as he staggered slightly, out of balance.

“Kame?!” I asked worriedly.

“Sorry” he chuckled, leaning on me. “I guess my blood pressure doesn’t really listen to me yet again. Maybe I got up too fast…”

I hugged him close, kissing his temple before nuzzling my nose in his hair, taking in his scent.

“What are you doing to me?” I murmured, my voice soft and quiet – he probably wouldn’t have heard me if my face hadn’t been this close to his ear. “Watch out for yourself, will you?!”

“Sorry” Kame repeated again, sighing. “I guess I worked a little too much recently, didn’t I?”

“A little?!” I scoffed, holding on even tighter to him. “You don’t know how it felt, seeing you break down like this.” I whispered. “It was horrible. Don’t you ever let me go through this again.”

Kame didn’t answer; he only rested his chin on my shoulder, letting me hug him.

It took me a while until I broke away from him slightly to look at him, but not completely, not wanting to let go of him, unsteady as he was.

“Better?” I asked, searching his face. He smiled at me.

“Better” he promised. He took my hand again, this time intertwining out fingers, before tugging me along to follow him.

He led me into his bedroom. Something deep in my mind told me that I should be freaked out about this, but I couldn’t bring myself to be. Everything that was happening just seemed so _right_ , as if this had always been supposed to happen. And heck, it was not any guy I was here with – it was Kame. I trusted Kame, like no one else. Even when we weren’t talking, I would have laid my life in his hands if necessary. I knew he would have protected me, no matter what. As much as I would have done the same for him. It came naturally between us.

So I didn’t think twice when I sat down on the bed next to Kame, immediately indulging him in a kiss again.

We took our time. It was new territory for us, and we savored the feelings it brought with it. I was content just touching, exploring, though every second that passed triggered another need in me, so strong that it seemed harder and harder to keep our pace.

Soon, our shirts were gone, and we had moved further onto the bed. Kame was half on top of me, one of his legs between mine, his hands roaming my torso as he showered my neck with kisses. My mind was clouded – everything I registered was Kame’s touch, his warmth, his scent…

Kame’s lips traveled downwards, stopping at my collarbone, nibbling on it, running his tongue over it. The sensation ran through my body, and I let out something that sounded pathetically like a whine. I hadn’t even been aware that I was able to produce such sounds. Kame continued, sucking slightly at the skin, and I clawed the blanked underneath us, searching an outlet for all those feelings.

“I always wondered if your collarbone was sensitive to this kind is touch” Kame murmured against the skin, making me shudder, smiling in response. “I guess I was right.”

I groaned, flipping us over so that I hovered above him.

“You’re about to drive me insane, you know?!” I murmured, my voice husky, and Kame raised his eyebrows at me, smiling, seeming pleased. I kissed him again, eager to wipe that smile off his face.

While our tongues danced with each other, my hands traveled down his chest, feeling the skin under my fingers. Kame really had lost weight, I noticed. Not that I’d ever touched him like this, but I could still tell – he hadn’t been this skinny before.

I decided then that I would watch out for him from now on, no matter if he wanted to or not. I would never let it come that far again.

My fingers finally reached the waistband of his sweat pants, and I tugged at them, breaking the kiss to search Kame’s eyes. He lifted his hips, allowing me to pull the offending fabric down his legs, along with his boxer briefs.

My eyes didn’t leave his when I touched him at last. Kame gasped at the contact, moaning as I ran my thumb over the tip. He closed his eyes in pleasure, and I dove into a kiss again as I began stroking him slowly.

I broke the kiss as his breathing sped up noticeably, letting him catch his breath while I kissed down his body, licking and tasting every bit of his skin on my way.

I was driven by the intense desire to make Kame feel good. I felt like I owed him that, after all that had happened – after all that he’d been through, not only in the last couple of days…

I kissed the inside of his thigh, making him squirm. I looked up for a moment, studying the way the muscles in his face tensed up at my touch, the way he bit his lip to keep the lustful sounds from escaping his mouth.

I lowered my head, keeping my hand still as I took him into my mouth. Kame let out a moan, obviously not having expected this, and I felt his hand in my hair, knotting his fingers in the waves, which were already damp from the sweat.

I rolled my tongue against his tip before moving down on him, getting accustomed to the feeling. Kame unconsciously bucked his hips a little, reacting to my actions. I moved up again, and down once more, and I heard Kame whispering my name.

It didn’t take long until I pushed Kame over the edge. I loved the way he moaned as he came, clinging to me for dear life, his free hand clutching on my shoulder.

I moved up to lie next to him again, stroking the hair out of his face while he panted, eyes closed, coming down from his high. I didn’t know someone could be that hot and that adorable at the same time, but Kame had always had a talent for things like these.

I nuzzled his cheek with my nose, and Kame opened his eyes, looking at me, still slightly out of breath.

“Are you okay?” I whispered, kissing his lips gently for a moment. Kame nodded, kissing me back, murmuring against my lips: “I guess it’s your turn, huh?”

I didn’t answer, but his hands were already at the zipper of my jeans, pulling it down and undoing the button. His fingers slipped under my boxers, beginning to pump gently.

I moaned, resting my forehead against Kame’s, feeling my whole body heat up from the contact. Kame reached his free hand up to my face, caressing it while he continued his ministrations with the other one, keeping a steady pace.

I felt like putty under his fingers. The feeling of him pleasuring me was overwhelming me, and I reached out for him, pulling him into another fiery kiss.

I was close soon, the sensations of the whole night building up until this very moment, threatening to explode inside of me. And when they did, I had Kame’s name on my lips, forgetting everything around me, but him.

When I was conscious enough to take notice of my surroundings again, Kame had pulled the blanked above us, lying on his side, watching my face, running his fingers through my hair absentmindedly.

I caught his eyes, drowning into those dark pools for a moment, before I murmured, without thinking about it: “I think I’m in love with you.”

Because it felt right to say it. I knew it was true. Even though it had taken this long for me to realize it, it was true.

Kame smiled, kissing my lips gently, murmuring: “I guess this answers your question. If this is only a stupid experiment, I mean.”

I grinned, pulling him close to me, feeling his warmth against me as we drifted off to sleep.

And for the first time in an eternity, I felt _home._ Here and now, with Kame, was where I belonged. And I was not going to let this go again, for anything in the world.

Ever.

>

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/08/23/15/  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/26706.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/27021.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/27143.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/27525.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/27860.html


End file.
